The Decision

If I wanted to do a really short update, it would read as follows: I decided to leave the Peace Corps and live down at my dad’s house in Florida for awhile to figure things out. Sorry about the lack of updates – wasn’t something I wanted to discuss at the time. I’ll be back in New Jersey soon enough. Now you know.

But I’m rarely short about my updates, so I’m going to go into a bit more detail (though not in an hour-long TV special, thankfully). Now that I think everyone who I needed to tell personally knows that I’m gone, I can make it truly public news. I officially left the PC on November 5^th, but I decided to leave more than a week before that. I thought about my decision, visited some in-country friends, travelled a bit, told the PC, and then spent five days in Tegucigalpa closing out my service at headquarters. It was quite an emotional time and I was trying to be as vague as possible in my blogging during it. I wasn’t ready to tell most people, let alone the world.

This blog was always meant to be more or less just a narrative of my life in Honduras and not a journal about my emotions and feelings and deep thoughts. I do want to share a bit about my decision to leave, however; I know that I am listed in the PC Journals directory and there may be readers out there who don’t know me personally and found this because they’re curious about the PC or are actually about to start their service or something (but I am not a role model). So I do feel like I owe a bit of an explanation, so I’ll give that little bit.

From the time I got to my site until I decided to leave, I was unhappy. It was nothing specific that I could point to; I was actually extremely happy with both my host family and site. I just wasn’t feeling good about my life in Honduras and there seemed to be nothing that could change it. I wanted to spend all my time alone. I didn’t feel like working. I was lazier than I’ve ever been in my life. I didn’t feel motivated. I was happiest in my room and ignoring everything in Honduras. I was frustrated at my lack of work but didn’t want to do anything about it. I felt kind of helpless and at a loss to start things. I started reading conflicting stories about development work. I was happiest when thinking about visiting home. I knew everything would just get worse as coffee season and the end of the school year both rapidly approached.

I was mostly in denial about all this, though. I wasn’t letting myself think too much; rather, I was just sort of soldiering on and doing the minimum I could to not feel even more terrible. But when the acquaintance I mentioned before died unexpectedly back home, that sort of triggered me to snap back into life and start considering my options. I wasn’t close with him at all, but it just made me start thinking about everything in my life and life in general. Once I started thinking about leaving the PC, it was all I could think about and I could immediately feel it making me happier and happier. When I started to actively hope for some kind of small-scale tragedy so I could be sent home and spare myself the embarrassment of quitting, I knew I was in trouble.

Very quickly, I talked to one friend (they’re my friends – thanks, Shannon) and made the decision to leave. I spent the next few days travelling, visiting my PCV friends at a nearby conference and talking to them about it. I stopped back in my site to tell my host family, who took it surprisingly well and considerately, and then went back out for the weekend to visit the Copan Ruins. There, besides seeing a new city and the ruins themselves, I saw lots of other volunteers I knew and had a very fun night out. Sunday night (this would be Halloween), I told the PC and first thing Monday morning, I was on my nine hour bus ride to the capital.

I was there (in a nice hotel with money each day for food and transportation) until my flight back on Friday morning. The PC is very thorough about medically clearing you to leave the country. After three full days of testing, providing various samples, having physicals, and passing exams, I was finally declared healthy and able to go back. I also had to do some administrative things, lots of paperwork and monetary issues. But it all went relatively smoothly and I was incredibly relieved and excited to be heading back on November 5^th.

Instead of going home to NJ, I chose to go instead to my dad’s house in northern Florida. Back in NJ, I had no place to live and no car; in Florida, I had a soon-to-be-empty three bedroom house and two cars to choose from each day. I reasoned I could stay there a while (a few weeks to a few months) and live relatively expense-free while I figured out what to do next. This has worked out really well so far. I have both full-time and part-time jobs now (working sometimes up to 60 hours a week) and really only have to pay for gas and minimal food. I also chose to come here because I slowly told my family and friends that I was back instead of making big announcements immediately. I wanted to organize my thoughts and feel better about my decision, among other reasons. I was really embarrassed at first, and I still feel that glimmer of embarrassment now as I type this. But ultimately, I know I made the right decision. While I’m happy to be back, I don’t regret going to Honduras or into the Peace Corps at all. I hope to visit Honduras again within the next two years.

I’ve been applying to full-time teaching jobs back in NJ but so far nothing has even remotely panned out. I’m less frantic now that I’m working so much here and making money. While I’m going home to visit for Christmas and will probably go back once more to visit in March or April as well, I don’t think I’ll permanently move back until mid-May. I’d like to be back by then to get ready for all of Christa’s wedding festivities and be living in the state for June, when all the school budgets pass and I have the best chance at getting a real job. I definitely feel OK about this plan though, of course, it’s not exactly ideal. It’s kind of all work and no play here in Florida, but I’m fine with that and still enjoying myself because I like both of my jobs.

So that’s where it all stands now. Living in Florida, will be visiting up north soon, but then probably back to Florida mid-May. If one of the leave positions opens up in NJ, I would consider taking it so I could move back sooner, but it really depends on a lot of things (mostly the type of class and school district). For now, I’m just happy to have my jobs here and to be able to be home for Christmas. I hope that all is clear enough for anyone who did not know about my decision now.

For those people that I love very much in Honduras (or Clevelanders): I miss you guys a lot but I definitely am happier and doing much better here. I’m not sure I would have been a good person or PCV in Honduras and I’m OK with having figured that out early in my service. I’m happy to be home and I hope to see many of you again. I’m thinking the best time for me to come back might be early summer 2012, but we’ll see! Please continue to keep in touch and do amazing things out there.

For those people that I love very much in the US (really, mostly NJ): Thanks for understanding and helping me through or after my decision. I’m sorry some of you were kept in the dark for a bit, but I felt I had to do that. I cannot wait to see all of you in two weeks, so please please please make sure I make plans to eat some sushi, watch some football, or do other fun things with you. I’ll even help close buildings or something! It’s going to be a great week.

Finally, anyone I know and love is very welcome to come visit me here in Florida. My dad’s house is great and close to the beach and several airports. I recommend coming sooner rather than later (the house may be a bit crowded with family in February), but seriously, it’s an open invitation. It’s still pretty warm here and, of course, I have a season pass to SeaWorld so we can always do that. Just let me know!