Death

I know how incredibly lucky I am to be able to truthfully type the following sentence: No one close to me has ever died. Really. I’m 24 and a half and have never felt like saying the word “devastated” in response to hearing someone has died. Sure, I’ve personally known people who died: two great-great-aunts, one great uncle, two good friends’ fathers and grandmother, one person I knew from middle school, and two Daisy campers. But I’ve only ever been to one wake/funeral (the middle school friend) and one other wake (best friend’s grandmother). In the last month, I can add two people to that luckily meager list: someone I went to high school with but barely remember and a distant acquaintance from a nearby school who was very good friends with several of my very good friends since high school. I’m writing this now because that second person passed away on Monday afternoon, unexpectedly, in a car accident.

This was on my mind all day yesterday, affecting me more than I thought it would and definitely more than I think I deserved. I took an angry, quick run; my thoughts were focused on death all day; I couldn’t do anything work-related at all; I finished a book (read it in a hidden part of the outskirts of town while probably trespassing to make sure I was alone) and watched a movie to give my mind a break (this might have all also had to do with the fact that I am, again, getting sick). All this thinking also made me realize that, for whatever reason, I’m frequently gone when this type of tragedy strikes people I know. While the relatives’ deaths all happened when I was little and the first friend happened in middle school, the rest have occurred only since I’ve been in college and almost exclusively while I was not in NJ. My best friend’s father died suddenly during my first semester away at college, another good friend’s father while I was living in San Diego, and these last two friends while I’ve been here in Honduras. It’s a weird thing to observe from afar. If anything, it makes you feel even more powerless – not that there would ever be much I could do if I were right with my friends now.

I also debated about whether or not I’d share this small story, because I don’t want to seem insensitive or take away from the people who really are devastated, but I found out about this death in a pretty bizarre way. Like I said, I’m getting sick and so when I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I was in more of a sleepy haze than usual. I decided to read my texts, which mostly consist of Facebook status updates. Judge me if you want, but I miss receiving texts regularly, I am trying to go on actual Facebook less, and the status updates get sent to me for free. It’s a win-win. But anyways, I read several updates from friends who mentioned the death and I was able to piece together who had died. It was a horrible moment, but I fell right asleep as usual. Then I proceeded to have the most symbolic but strangest dream ever. I think hearing about other people’s dreams is usually very boring, so I won’t get into the details, but it involved knowing of the person’s death and being with many of the people who were most affected, while combining elements of our past and current lives and a few completely random people.

When I woke up, feeling physically super crappy, I was also terrified. I was literally afraid to look at my phone and see if the texts were real because I wasn’t sure if I had dreamt everything. As I slowly got ready, I finally looked on the computer, where real Facebook updates and an email from Christa confirmed that it was all true. It was an incredibly weird and terrible way to start the day and realize everything really had happened. But, of course, I know my feelings mean essentially nothing comparatively and my heart is going out to the family of my acquaintance and all of my friends who were close with him. I’m sending my love and prayers as best I can from down here, and please let me know if any of you ever want to talk or there’s anything I can possibly do. I love you guys and wish I could be there. Rest in peace.